too soon

I found out today that a friend of mine took his life. Finding out that a loved one has died is shocking. Finding out a loved one CHOSE to do so...words can't even find a way out.

For some reason there is shame and weakness in being depressed. Shame in not having a 'stiff upper lip' or not being able to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and carry on. The thing about depression is that every day is a battle. Every day you are pulling yourself up by the bootstraps with a stiff upper lip. And after a while...day in and day out...you start thinking, "I can't keep doing this. I don't want to keep doing this." And then finally it's, "I'm done."

My mother use to say, "Buck Up!" And there's the rub...there is only so many times one can 'buck up'. God, I use to hate it when Mom use to say that. My sister and I joke about it now, but back then it was a sure fire way to make us feel worse.

Depression, I believe, to the general public seems weak. But I am here to say it's not. It takes strength and courage to admit you need help. I know, and love, many people who seek all sorts of help, whether it's 12 step programs, therapy, anti-depressants. Never once do I think they are weak.

I am mad my friend chose to end his life. His Facebook page is full of people reaching out, in pain, to say how much they loved him and how he touched their lives. Maybe I'm selfish. Who am I to say that he shouldn't have ended his life because I will miss him? I don't know. Death always brings such confusing emotions. It always makes me want to hang on dearly and let every person I have ever met know how important they are and to know that if they struggle, they are not alone.

Depression is cunning and baffling and far too dangerous. It's paralyzing with no end in sight. "This too shall pass" does not feel true. It feels like, "This will never pass." Coming from a long line of depression I understand this all too well.

I wish Joe had chosen life. I can only guess that he just got tired of treading water. He battled a long time. It's exhausting and I know when I am stuck treading water I often think..."when do I get to swim?"

I know this - you are not alone, you are loved, and there is help. All you have to do is ask.

Now, I think it's time I go and smother my loved ones and then find something to bake.

Cooking Capers - Session Four

Just Desserts:

I have a problem and it's called Sugar. I might have mentioned it in a previous post or two...or even updated a Facebook status regarding my obsessive compulsion for sugary items. Some of my weaknesses, Nutella, Ice-Cream, Cupcakes, Cake, Fruit Crisp (a la mode, of course), chocolate chip cookies, brownies (a la mode preferred) and the list can continue. There are rules, however.

1. I don't want candy for dessert...no peanut butter m&m's or Twizzlers or Snickers for dessert. Those aren't evening time treats...those are afternoon, 3:00 pm treats.

2. Fruit doesn't count. I eat a lot of fruit during the day. I eat the fruit during the day to avoid over doing the sugary treats in the afternoon. Or at least that is what I tell myself. I'm sure it's working.

3. The dessert needs some sort of crunch factor. If it doesn't crunch, it doesn't count. I made a peanut butter banana smoothie for dessert the other night. No crunch. I slurped it down only to then eat 4 oreos to satisfy the crunch urge. I think I might have a problem.

The only exception to this rule is cake. Cupcakes or a slice of cake. It doesn't need the crunch, although a few rainbow sprinkles can fill that crunch need if I'm really jonesing.

So, what do I eat? I usually put together a few ingredient type desserts. I don't go overboard. (although I'm sure overboard is a relative term) These aren't recipes per se, or even ingenious ideas, but they will hit the spot.

The Standard:

1/2 cup Vanilla Bean Ice-creamn or Soy Cream
90 Calorie Fiber One Brownie*
2 T wheat germ
1 tsp chocolate syurp

Unwrap 1 brownie, heat in microwave for 10 seconds. Measure out 1/2 cup ice-cream into a small bowl. If you put it in a big bowl it will never be enough! I often exclaim, "NO WAY IS THAT A FREAKIN' SERVING" if I use a big bowl. The small bowl tricks the mind and the stomach. Crumble warm brownie on top. Add wheat germ and chocolate syrup. Enjoy...slowly. A small bowl is still a small bowl.

*I often will substitute the brownie for 1 crumbled Oreo or 1 Ginger Snap or 1 TLC Oatmeal Chocolate Cookie, basically whatever I have on hand. The ginger snap probably has the least amount of calories.

The Treat:

4 Ginger Snaps (Anna's Gingersnaps are best for this dessert. Nice and thin)
2 squares of favorite chocolate (I prefer milk)
1 toaster oven

Place 4 ginger snaps on foil. Top 2 snaps with 1 square of chocolate each. Place in toaster oven and 'toast' until chocolate begins to melt and cookies brown slightly. Remove from toaster oven and top with other snaps, smooshing the chocolate. Let sit for about a minute. Cookie and chocolate should caramelize a bit. Devour. Maybe have husband hide snaps and cookies, because 2nds come ohhh so easily.

The Emotional Eater:

Nutella
Graham Crackers*

This one comes in handy when all you want to do is stuff your feelings. Nutella is an item that must be purchased with caution in my household. It will not last more than 2 days under my watch.

Directions: smear as much Nutella a graham cracker can hold. Stuff it and your troubles down.

*You can substitute any carb you like. I even will frost cupcakes with Nutella.