too soon

I found out today that a friend of mine took his life. Finding out that a loved one has died is shocking. Finding out a loved one CHOSE to do so...words can't even find a way out.

For some reason there is shame and weakness in being depressed. Shame in not having a 'stiff upper lip' or not being able to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and carry on. The thing about depression is that every day is a battle. Every day you are pulling yourself up by the bootstraps with a stiff upper lip. And after a while...day in and day out...you start thinking, "I can't keep doing this. I don't want to keep doing this." And then finally it's, "I'm done."

My mother use to say, "Buck Up!" And there's the rub...there is only so many times one can 'buck up'. God, I use to hate it when Mom use to say that. My sister and I joke about it now, but back then it was a sure fire way to make us feel worse.

Depression, I believe, to the general public seems weak. But I am here to say it's not. It takes strength and courage to admit you need help. I know, and love, many people who seek all sorts of help, whether it's 12 step programs, therapy, anti-depressants. Never once do I think they are weak.

I am mad my friend chose to end his life. His Facebook page is full of people reaching out, in pain, to say how much they loved him and how he touched their lives. Maybe I'm selfish. Who am I to say that he shouldn't have ended his life because I will miss him? I don't know. Death always brings such confusing emotions. It always makes me want to hang on dearly and let every person I have ever met know how important they are and to know that if they struggle, they are not alone.

Depression is cunning and baffling and far too dangerous. It's paralyzing with no end in sight. "This too shall pass" does not feel true. It feels like, "This will never pass." Coming from a long line of depression I understand this all too well.

I wish Joe had chosen life. I can only guess that he just got tired of treading water. He battled a long time. It's exhausting and I know when I am stuck treading water I often think..."when do I get to swim?"

I know this - you are not alone, you are loved, and there is help. All you have to do is ask.

Now, I think it's time I go and smother my loved ones and then find something to bake.

Cooking Capers - Session Four

Just Desserts:

I have a problem and it's called Sugar. I might have mentioned it in a previous post or two...or even updated a Facebook status regarding my obsessive compulsion for sugary items. Some of my weaknesses, Nutella, Ice-Cream, Cupcakes, Cake, Fruit Crisp (a la mode, of course), chocolate chip cookies, brownies (a la mode preferred) and the list can continue. There are rules, however.

1. I don't want candy for dessert...no peanut butter m&m's or Twizzlers or Snickers for dessert. Those aren't evening time treats...those are afternoon, 3:00 pm treats.

2. Fruit doesn't count. I eat a lot of fruit during the day. I eat the fruit during the day to avoid over doing the sugary treats in the afternoon. Or at least that is what I tell myself. I'm sure it's working.

3. The dessert needs some sort of crunch factor. If it doesn't crunch, it doesn't count. I made a peanut butter banana smoothie for dessert the other night. No crunch. I slurped it down only to then eat 4 oreos to satisfy the crunch urge. I think I might have a problem.

The only exception to this rule is cake. Cupcakes or a slice of cake. It doesn't need the crunch, although a few rainbow sprinkles can fill that crunch need if I'm really jonesing.

So, what do I eat? I usually put together a few ingredient type desserts. I don't go overboard. (although I'm sure overboard is a relative term) These aren't recipes per se, or even ingenious ideas, but they will hit the spot.

The Standard:

1/2 cup Vanilla Bean Ice-creamn or Soy Cream
90 Calorie Fiber One Brownie*
2 T wheat germ
1 tsp chocolate syurp

Unwrap 1 brownie, heat in microwave for 10 seconds. Measure out 1/2 cup ice-cream into a small bowl. If you put it in a big bowl it will never be enough! I often exclaim, "NO WAY IS THAT A FREAKIN' SERVING" if I use a big bowl. The small bowl tricks the mind and the stomach. Crumble warm brownie on top. Add wheat germ and chocolate syrup. Enjoy...slowly. A small bowl is still a small bowl.

*I often will substitute the brownie for 1 crumbled Oreo or 1 Ginger Snap or 1 TLC Oatmeal Chocolate Cookie, basically whatever I have on hand. The ginger snap probably has the least amount of calories.

The Treat:

4 Ginger Snaps (Anna's Gingersnaps are best for this dessert. Nice and thin)
2 squares of favorite chocolate (I prefer milk)
1 toaster oven

Place 4 ginger snaps on foil. Top 2 snaps with 1 square of chocolate each. Place in toaster oven and 'toast' until chocolate begins to melt and cookies brown slightly. Remove from toaster oven and top with other snaps, smooshing the chocolate. Let sit for about a minute. Cookie and chocolate should caramelize a bit. Devour. Maybe have husband hide snaps and cookies, because 2nds come ohhh so easily.

The Emotional Eater:

Nutella
Graham Crackers*

This one comes in handy when all you want to do is stuff your feelings. Nutella is an item that must be purchased with caution in my household. It will not last more than 2 days under my watch.

Directions: smear as much Nutella a graham cracker can hold. Stuff it and your troubles down.

*You can substitute any carb you like. I even will frost cupcakes with Nutella.

Cooking Capers - Session Three

Cooking Dinner While Caring For A Sick Baby:

4 boneless skinless Chicken Breasts

2 shallots, chopped

1 package of button mushrooms, sliced (reduce to a 1/2 of package if mushrooms make your husband gag)

1 clove of garlic, sliced

1 T olive oil

1 cup of plain soy milk (use milk if your husband isn't lactose intolerant)

1/2 cup water

4 T butter or lower fat substitute

1T basil

1 cup dry white wine

Salt and Pepper

1/2 box of angel hair pasta

1 - 6 oz bottle of formula

1 sick, fussy baby, preferably with a fever

1 mL syringe

1 mL of generic tylenol, red in color

Preheat oven to 350

Clean 4 chicken breasts and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Place 2 T of melted butter and sliced garlic in baking pan. Coat chicken breasts in melted butter and arrange in pan. Pour 1/2 cup of wine over chicken and cook for 45 minutes or until done...or in this case, well done.

In saute pan, heat olive oil. Add shallots and mushrooms. Cook for 3 mins or until mushrooms are nicely golden and smell amazing. Remove from pan and set aside.

Grab fussy baby and sit in glider chair with formula. Proceed to fight with crying baby who refuses to eat. Spray formula all over self, baby's face and wall in an effort to get a few drops into babies mouth. Continue this for 30 minutes. Yell out to husband to fill the pasta pot with water and put on stove. Continue to try to soothe screaming child. 2 oz may have been eaten by now. Start to loose sanity, ask husband to take over so that you may finish dinner. Pass crying, thrashing baby to father/husband and take baby's temperature. Go get infant tylenol.

Chicken should be done now. Cover with foil and turn oven off. This should dry the chicken out very nicely. Return to baby's room.

Have husband pin insane child down, easily place syringe in crying mouth and shoot tylenol in. Child will get even more hysterical and start coughing and heaving. Sit her upright. Father/husband working hard to soothe. Child should hiccup and then throw up tylenol and 2 oz of now red formula all over father/husband/saint. Immediately loose appetite. Scoop baby up and usher her to changing table and strip her down, wipe her off and clothe her. Have husband rock until she falls asleep.

Cook pasta according to package directions.

In skillet melt remaining butter, add wine, water, soy milk, basil and any juice from the chicken pan. Bring to a boil and reduce until thicker. Salt and pepper to taste.

Plate pasta, top with chicken breast and mushrooms (to the mushroom lover's plate only) and top with white sauce. Ignore the fact that you have no appetite and 'enjoy'.

Look at husband wearily, wondering what the night has in store.

Cooking Capers - Session Two

It’s that time of year…baking season. God, I love to bake. Sugar! SUGAR!! When I know I am about to eat some delicious sugary treat, my mouth starts watering and I get all wiggly in my skin. Yes, I have a sugar addiction. It’s powerful, delicious and all consuming. As soon as fall hits, I am ready to turn the oven on.

Growing up we had a tiny little cookbook that I treasured dearly. It was the "Peanuts Cookbook". Perfect recipes for little hands. I loved to bake with my mom and my sister. When we baked, as I remember, there was always a lot of laughter. We cooked that Peanuts Cookbook into the ground. I don’t know what happened to that cookbook. Things changed. Parents divorced, sister moved out, mom and I moved many times. My memories of being 8 years old are held in that book with the stains of melted butter, smudges of chocolate, ripped binding, torn pages. Sometimes I thought if I could get my hands on another copy of that cookbook I could recreate those fond memories I had as a family.

Well, I have my own family now. 6 months ago Kallie blessed our lives. When she was born my husband gave me a present. It was a small book wrapped up. I had no idea what it was. He was beaming from ear to ear as I opened it. It was a tiny cookbook, “Winnie-the-Pooh Cookie Book”. I said, “Oh!!! I love it!” He replied, “Just like the one you had as a kid, right?” Oh dear. “No, honey, it’s not.” Sadly he said, “I got the wrong book.”

NO! You got the right book. The perfect book. A new book for new memories for Kallie and I. I am sad to admit I haven’t made a single thing from that book. But, it’s fall and the holiday’s are upon us. I believe that as I bake the first recipe, Kallie will be in her highchair playing with god knows what smiling at me and ”Gaaa”-ing at me.

But, just for old time sake, my favorite recipe from the Peanuts Cookbook was “Lucy’s Lemon Squares”. Oh, the lemony filling, the buttery crust, the powdered sugar!! BRING IT ON!

It was Sunday morning, just mom and me. She was reading the Sunday paper drinking coffee and I was reading the comic strips. She asked if I would get her some more coffee. I went into the kitchen and saw those lemon squares winking at me. I, as quite as a mouse, cut a huge square and shoved it in my mouth ate it as fast as I could while I poured her coffee. I returned to the living room and gave mom her coffee. She looked at me and said, “Did you have any Lucy’s Lemon Squares?” “Nope.” “Then why do you have powdered sugar all over your face?”

Gotta be smarter than the sugar.

LUCY'S LEMON SQUARES quoted from "Peanuts Cook Book" (with comments by Heather)

1 cup flour

1/2 cup butter (cold butter makes this job suck. so room temperature is the way)

1/4 cup powdered sugar

Sift flour and sugar into bowl. Blend in butter with clean fingertips until well mixed. (do not clean fingertips with mouth. you will get a good swat for that.) Pat evenly into the bottom of an 8x8 inch baking pan. ( EVENLY! DO IT EVENLY! Bake for 20 minutes at 350. (20 minutes is FOREVER...but at least it smells good)

Meanwhile, beat together:

2 eggs (refrain from leaving egg shells in batter. Crunchy squares are bad squares)

1 cup granulated sugar

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

2 1/2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice (or if you are like me and like a good pucker...add as much as you can take)

dash of salt

Pour over baked crust and return to oven for 20 - 25 minutes at same temperature. (seriously, ANOTHER 20 minutes!?!)

Cool on rack. Cut in squares. (big squares, please) Sprinkle with sifted, powdered sugar.

(Warning, choking hazard. Do not inhale as you bite square. Powdered sugar will choke you!)

Cooking Capers - Session One

Butternut Squash Soup

Part I

2 whole butternut squash
1 Santoku Knife
1 Chef Knife
1 Utility Knife
1 Parer Knife
1 potato peeler (although it might end up in garbage)
1 pair of ear muffs so small child doesn't hear swearing
2 strong biceps
2 steady hands
Many prayers that you finish with all fingers and toes attached

Peeling of Squash. Cut bulbous end off, set aside. Stand long end up on cut side and use Santoku Knife and shimmy it down the sides of the squash, removing skin. Slip several times almost snipping off index finger. Try the Chef Knife. Work your way along the sides of the squash, working up a sweat. Slip several more times, swear under breath and toss knife aside. Reach for the Utility Knife. Maybe a small blade will be easier to manage. Try to cut into steel of skin and give up immediately. Grab potato peeler and peel of first layer of steel squash skin. Realize that if you want to have soup TONIGHT...this is not the way to go. By now, the strong biceps are feeling the burn. Go back to the Chef Knife and continue to peel, to the best of your ability not to cut off all 10 of your fingers, until the shaft is clear of skin.

Take bulbous end, take a deep breath in and proceed to cut in half. Scoop out seeds and then, yes, begin peeling that mother of a vegetable. Hands are now slippery from raw squash. Knife slips from hands, tumbles to the ground just missing toes. Cats scramble for cover.

Start on 2nd squash. Repeat. Slip many times. Cover babies ears with earmuffs and scream "MOTHER FUCKER!" Throw knives as they continue to fail you and the job they have been asked to do, and storm out of the kitchen accepting defeat. Go on facebook. Surf for 10 minutes. Stop sweating. Brush hair out of eyes and go back into the lion's den.

Approach tormentor with a new calmness and finish peeling the shaft. Pick up bulbous end. Evaluate how much flesh is really available. Is it worth it? Show him who's boss and throw it in garbage.

Cut freshly peeled squash into cubes.

PART II

1.75 squash, cubed
1 large onion, sliced into rings
4 cloves garlic
2 cups plain soy milk
1 cup vegetable broth
1 T olive oil
All Spice
Cinnamon
Pepper
1/4 t Cayenne pepper
Chopped walnuts, roasted

Oven: 450 degrees

Line cookie sheet with foil. Spray with canola oil. Spread squash, onion and garlic in pan. Drizzle olive oil and add All Spice, Cinnamon and Pepper over squash. I have no idea how much. I just eye ball it. Roast for 30 to 40 minutes until squash is tender. Transfer squash and onion/garlic to large pot. Add 1 cup soy milk. Using immersion blender try to liquefy only to realize squash is too tough for immersion blender and switch to food processor. Scoop small amount of squash mixture into food processor only to realize that it's TOO FREAKIN' SMALL. Use profanity at will. Switch to the blender. Working in batches, puree squash mixture until smooth and add to large pot. Keep as much off the kitchen walls as possible.

Once all pureed, add rest of soy milk and vegetable broth to pot. Add more or less liquid depending on consistancy you are looking for. Add a smidge more of all spice and cinnamon to taste. For a bit of a kick add cayenne pepper. Heat until hot, stirring on occasion.

Serve with walnuts sprinkled on top and chewy bread.

Let husband know that no one was hurt in the making of this soup, but it was a close call on many occasion. Give him the evil eye until he compliments and kisses the cook.

Enjoy...if your hand isn't cramping up too bad and you can hold a soup spoon.

Husband then does dishes and picks squash out of your hair.

Unplugged

I'm plugged in all day. To the laptop, my 'smart' phone, my desktop, my TV...yet, often I feel as if I am coming unplugged. I am noticing that I can't stay off facebook. I probably log in 30 times a day to see how other people are living there lives. Something is wrong with this picture.

I guess in my defense I am home. A lot. I am on maternity leave and am watching my daughter grow in front of my eyes. But...as soon as she nods off...I have my laptop in my lap (not just a clever name) and am glued into other peoples lives.

Another habit of mine is online 'window' shopping. I got to a website, look for deals, put things in my cart, feel guilty about it and close the page. I do this at least once a day. It's mindless. One might call it crazy.

The TV is usually always on. Matt Lauer, Kathy Lee Gifford, Hoda Kotb, Bethany Getting Marreid, Real Housewives of New York (NJ Housewives drive me NUTS), Next Food Network Star, White Collar (yum), Top Chef (yum), Martha Stewart, Friends, Seinfeld, Office, Yankees, What Not to Wear, Paula Dean, Giada at Home (I wish my home was that nice!), Barefoot Contessa...I think I see all these people and shows every day. They are usually just background noise, but they are on. I fear I might be going numb.

So, today...I am trying to do things a bit different. I want to stay a bit more unplugged. (of course, the irony, I am on my laptop...) I got up at 5:50 am, fed Kallie and put her back to bed. I did NOT turn on my phone or facebook before I went for a run. It felt weird. I got home from my run and did NOT turn on my phone. I showered and ate breakfast. I will admit, I wanted to turn that bad boy on, but I refrained. I didn't pick up the phone or laptop until 8:45 am. A NEW RECORD! And another first, as I type this...the TV is NOT on. Kallie is still asleep and all I hear are the birds chirping outside, the dogs barking and their owners yelling, the traffic going by and the click of my keyboard as I type. There just went an airplane...a car honked...ok you get it...

I am realizing that by being plugged in so darn much that I am getting farther and farther from myself. I zone out...go numb...feel down. I like it 'quiet', as quiet as our New York City apartment can get. But, in all honesty, out of the corner of my eye there is the remote. It's whispering to me..."Heeeeatherrrrrr...Heeaaaaaatherrrrrrrrrrrr...you are missing Matt Lauer and Meredith..."

My fingers itch. My eyes dart back and forth between the remote, the TV and the laptop. It's an addiction. I can feel it. But, baby steps. I know that I will visit at least one of my TV friends listed above today. I have already been on Facebook. Status updated - check. Scrolled through to see what my friends are up to this morning - check. Viewed a few pictures - check. I wonder how long I can last without viewing it again? I would like to say, until dinner, but who are we kidding. Let's not set an unrealistic goal and set myself up for failure. I'm going to aim for lunch time...I think I will be hungry early today. Say...eleven o'clock?!?

short trip

The trip to bitchiness is a short ride these days.

I have never been one for patience. I live in New York. I am fond of the New York Minute. I curse under my breath at tourists who are gawking upward when I am trying to get somewhere in my New York Minute.

But, now I am a new mother...a 3 month old mother. What pleases me most is that I have all the patience in the world for my daughter. But my patience supply is spread a little thin. I found myself yelling at my key chain today when it got tangled up in my headphones and I couldn't get into my apartment. I was standing outside my apartment yelling, "REALLY?!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?" By the time I got it untangled, I was pretty much in tears. I must have looked like a crazy woman.

I find myself snapping, usually at the husband, in less than a nano-second. I am irritated quickly by people on the street...smokers, gawkers, people who don't hold doors open for mothers struggling with strollers, cars and trucks that block crosswalks so mothers with babes can't easily cross the street WHEN THERE IS A WALK SIGN!!!" The list goes on and I think you get my drift.

Sleep deprivation. Bottom line. Even when I do sleep I seem to still have one ear cocked towards the nursery. I know many a mother have been here before, and many will follow. My story, emotions and bitchiness are not unique. When I walk down the street and I pass another mother with an infant, we smile at each other...as if to say, "I feel ya sister. I know. You are not alone in this journey."

So, the next time you are out and about and you see a mom, please be kind. Open a door, give up a seat, smile at them. Who knows, they may have just had a nervous breakdown in the kitchen because they couldn't get the jar of peanut butter open. Not that I would know...