too soon

I found out today that a friend of mine took his life. Finding out that a loved one has died is shocking. Finding out a loved one CHOSE to do so...words can't even find a way out.

For some reason there is shame and weakness in being depressed. Shame in not having a 'stiff upper lip' or not being able to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and carry on. The thing about depression is that every day is a battle. Every day you are pulling yourself up by the bootstraps with a stiff upper lip. And after a while...day in and day out...you start thinking, "I can't keep doing this. I don't want to keep doing this." And then finally it's, "I'm done."

My mother use to say, "Buck Up!" And there's the rub...there is only so many times one can 'buck up'. God, I use to hate it when Mom use to say that. My sister and I joke about it now, but back then it was a sure fire way to make us feel worse.

Depression, I believe, to the general public seems weak. But I am here to say it's not. It takes strength and courage to admit you need help. I know, and love, many people who seek all sorts of help, whether it's 12 step programs, therapy, anti-depressants. Never once do I think they are weak.

I am mad my friend chose to end his life. His Facebook page is full of people reaching out, in pain, to say how much they loved him and how he touched their lives. Maybe I'm selfish. Who am I to say that he shouldn't have ended his life because I will miss him? I don't know. Death always brings such confusing emotions. It always makes me want to hang on dearly and let every person I have ever met know how important they are and to know that if they struggle, they are not alone.

Depression is cunning and baffling and far too dangerous. It's paralyzing with no end in sight. "This too shall pass" does not feel true. It feels like, "This will never pass." Coming from a long line of depression I understand this all too well.

I wish Joe had chosen life. I can only guess that he just got tired of treading water. He battled a long time. It's exhausting and I know when I am stuck treading water I often think..."when do I get to swim?"

I know this - you are not alone, you are loved, and there is help. All you have to do is ask.

Now, I think it's time I go and smother my loved ones and then find something to bake.