Cooking Capers - Session One

Butternut Squash Soup

Part I

2 whole butternut squash
1 Santoku Knife
1 Chef Knife
1 Utility Knife
1 Parer Knife
1 potato peeler (although it might end up in garbage)
1 pair of ear muffs so small child doesn't hear swearing
2 strong biceps
2 steady hands
Many prayers that you finish with all fingers and toes attached

Peeling of Squash. Cut bulbous end off, set aside. Stand long end up on cut side and use Santoku Knife and shimmy it down the sides of the squash, removing skin. Slip several times almost snipping off index finger. Try the Chef Knife. Work your way along the sides of the squash, working up a sweat. Slip several more times, swear under breath and toss knife aside. Reach for the Utility Knife. Maybe a small blade will be easier to manage. Try to cut into steel of skin and give up immediately. Grab potato peeler and peel of first layer of steel squash skin. Realize that if you want to have soup TONIGHT...this is not the way to go. By now, the strong biceps are feeling the burn. Go back to the Chef Knife and continue to peel, to the best of your ability not to cut off all 10 of your fingers, until the shaft is clear of skin.

Take bulbous end, take a deep breath in and proceed to cut in half. Scoop out seeds and then, yes, begin peeling that mother of a vegetable. Hands are now slippery from raw squash. Knife slips from hands, tumbles to the ground just missing toes. Cats scramble for cover.

Start on 2nd squash. Repeat. Slip many times. Cover babies ears with earmuffs and scream "MOTHER FUCKER!" Throw knives as they continue to fail you and the job they have been asked to do, and storm out of the kitchen accepting defeat. Go on facebook. Surf for 10 minutes. Stop sweating. Brush hair out of eyes and go back into the lion's den.

Approach tormentor with a new calmness and finish peeling the shaft. Pick up bulbous end. Evaluate how much flesh is really available. Is it worth it? Show him who's boss and throw it in garbage.

Cut freshly peeled squash into cubes.

PART II

1.75 squash, cubed
1 large onion, sliced into rings
4 cloves garlic
2 cups plain soy milk
1 cup vegetable broth
1 T olive oil
All Spice
Cinnamon
Pepper
1/4 t Cayenne pepper
Chopped walnuts, roasted

Oven: 450 degrees

Line cookie sheet with foil. Spray with canola oil. Spread squash, onion and garlic in pan. Drizzle olive oil and add All Spice, Cinnamon and Pepper over squash. I have no idea how much. I just eye ball it. Roast for 30 to 40 minutes until squash is tender. Transfer squash and onion/garlic to large pot. Add 1 cup soy milk. Using immersion blender try to liquefy only to realize squash is too tough for immersion blender and switch to food processor. Scoop small amount of squash mixture into food processor only to realize that it's TOO FREAKIN' SMALL. Use profanity at will. Switch to the blender. Working in batches, puree squash mixture until smooth and add to large pot. Keep as much off the kitchen walls as possible.

Once all pureed, add rest of soy milk and vegetable broth to pot. Add more or less liquid depending on consistancy you are looking for. Add a smidge more of all spice and cinnamon to taste. For a bit of a kick add cayenne pepper. Heat until hot, stirring on occasion.

Serve with walnuts sprinkled on top and chewy bread.

Let husband know that no one was hurt in the making of this soup, but it was a close call on many occasion. Give him the evil eye until he compliments and kisses the cook.

Enjoy...if your hand isn't cramping up too bad and you can hold a soup spoon.

Husband then does dishes and picks squash out of your hair.